Welcome to Eddie's Used Car Sales....
You’ve just passed your driving test.  You’ve had a passing interest in cars for a while, a casual observer.  But now you’re going all in.  You’ve saved your cash, so you’re going out to buy with a disposable income.  But what do you know about cars?  Very little, you’ve watched Fast & Furious couple of times and have heard of a Ferrari; it’s time to purchase.

You know of two main car dealers; the old and slightly dusty Frank or the young and brash Eddie.  You take a passing glance at Frank’s lot, but the place is fairly empty and the dust is thick on the slightly battered cars.  No, you have saved more money than that, you can keep shopping.  Off to Eddie’s and the place is bouncing.  There’s a bit of a queue to get to the showroom, but from inside you can hear the customers having a good old sing-along to Sweet Caroline.  Has that one in the corner taken his shirt off and swinging it around his head?  Sure looks like it.  Odd.  Resembles a football crowd, but they must be car fans too. 

You make it inside; there’s some liberal drug taking, bit of coke here and there isn’t hurting anyone.  There’s beer on tap.  £4.50 a pint?  I’ll have some of that.  And a £6 hotdog please.

You get to browse the cars.  This one is for you.  Eddie comes out to talk you over it.  Wow, he’s such a personable bloke – he’s telling you exactly how much they bought the car for and how much profit he will make on it.  Only an honest salesman would do such a thing, this Eddie is a great guy.  What’s that?  Buy it and he’ll take you for a cheeky Nando’s?  Your wallet is already out, handing the cash over as quickly as possible.  You need to be part of this movement; it can’t be that popular without a reason.

You put the keys in.  Wow, it sounds as good as it looks.  Drive off the forecourt and head for the main roads, this will be the best day ever.  Shit.  It’s clunking.  A few miles down the road and there’s steam emanating from the engine.  You get out, pop the bonnet and have a look around.  One of the tyres is going down, great.  The engine is starting to make your car resemble a character from Thomas the Tank Engine.  This thing is fucked.  But Eddie sold it – he’s an honest bloke who gave me a breakdown of everything, he wouldn’t lie to you. 

You’re angry.  It’s a long walk back to the showroom and you’ve been sold a dud.  Eventually you make it back there, the party has got bigger now.  People are loving it.  But you know it isn’t what it seems – you’ve been educated.  As you queue to get back in you hear others talking. 

“My car is brilliant, got it here a while back and it works for me.”

“Me too, I love mine.  Eddie is great, so honest.”

OK, others have had an alright experience, maybe this was just one bad episode?  Obviously there must be some that are actually alright – you realise perhaps a bit more research should have been done before handing over the money.  It’s not Eddie’s fault, but you still want a word. 

You get to his office.  You start to try and talk, but realise he has his mate there, Kugan.  Kugan seems a decent bloke – he tells you how reliable Eddie is.  He also tells you Frank is alright too, but you can just tell that his true love is Eddie.  He does a good job – and now, you’ve heard it from someone independent that this place is great.  After all, Kugan has his own business to run, he’s not on the payroll here at Eddie’s business, he’s just visiting. 

Not 100% convinced, you go outside to take a look around the motors.  You have enough money for another, but should you risk it?  There’s a couple of salesmen walking the floor, employees.  They come to talk to you, introducing themselves as Johnny and Spencer.  Spencer proceeds to tell you exactly how much he knows about cars, in fact there was one in 1936 that was able to drive a million miles.  He must know his stuff.  Johnny is a former mechanic, so he knows what is a good car and what isn’t.  A historian and an expert – you’ve hit the jackpot getting their advice.  What a day!  You know the pitfalls and risks, but with these two onside, this is going to be a good deal.

That red car in the corner looks good.  Spencer tells you about a red car in 1965 that was better than this one, they just don’t make them like that any more.  He tell you this one isn’t for you, despite your gut feeling.  He leads you across the showroom, telling you about a car in 1978 that he drove once.  He’s a real knowledge on this stuff.  Johnny is a bit less gobby, but he’s happy to back the view the other car wasn’t right.

They lead you to another car in the middle.  It looks shit.  You really don’t think it’s worth risking your hard earned money on, but these lads spin a convincing yarn.  Spencer shows you the steering wheel.  “This was from another car – its fate met its destiny.  When your fate meets your destiny, it’s your time.”  Jeez, this man gives it a hard sell.  Almost too hard, like he might be covering something.  Ah, here’s Eddie.  “This car……this is a proper car son.  On the face of it, it may not look it.  But let me tell you this……this car is daring to be great.  It’s taking a chance other cars wouldn’t by using this steering wheel.”  He really is convincing. 

Yes, your fingers were burnt last time, but others have had OK things to say about their experience.  And this place is busy, so something must be going right.  Eddie reappears, just as you’re making up your mind.  “You know what son, we are buzzing here.  We have sold the most cars ever.”  But Eddie, aren’t there more cars than ever on the road, so that would be inevitable?  “No, these are quality cars.  All of them.  Your other car….that was unlucky.  A one off.  This car you’re looking at now; mark my words.  It’s going to show you how great it can be.  That other one you were looking at – it…it’s ill.  Yeah, I definitely saw it leaking earlier.  It’s ill.  This car is for you.  Let me tell you, when your fate meets your de..”  Shut up Eddie.

Hard sale finished, the money gets handed over.  All these experts telling you this is a good purchase.  Plus there’s a few of the lads come out from the showroom now.  One of them has a Mercedes hat on, tells you that he has heard of Lewis Hamilton so he’s probably the best ever.  This is definitely the right car for you he says.  He seems like he knows fuck all, but he’s here, so he knows his stuff surely.

Keys in the ignition, let’s go.  You drive out, seems OK this one.  Mile down the road, that steering wheel is making noises.  Shit.  It doesn’t turn any more!  But Spencer and Eddie told me it was great.  Shit.  You crash into Frank’s showroom.  Perhaps you should have gone here after all.